My latest words of wisdom by which i live by these days:

When life gives you lemons…

Make lemon meringue pie and throw it in life’s face!

🙂

(thanks of course to TSB) 😉

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A little holiday cheer…

December 16, 2007

fake-boobs.jpgfruit-cake.jpg frozen.jpg

                    

eating-snowflakes.jpgcontemporary-houses.jpg

balls.jpg

bad-timing.jpg

Joke of the day…

December 6, 2007

So I was talking to this 7 year old the other day…

And he says to me “So, if chicks with big boobs work at Hooters….where do chicks with only one leg work??”

I shrugged.

“At IHOP!!!”

A 7 YEAR OLD!!!   –lol–

…adds a whole new meaning to tipping your waitress. *wink*

Reality Bites

November 22, 2007

What do you call 46 guys on the couch watching the Grey Cup?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

THE BC LIONS!!!

*sigh*

Ah yes, I am a good loser…or at least, that’s what I try to convince myself!! Yes, my BC Lions lost out in the Western Finals, and yes, I have received PLENTY of flack from my Rider Fan Friends, so I’m well abused. Hehe. So even if my Canucks are slaughtering the Wild time and time again, the Lions lost.

Reality check.

Soceity vs Reality

October 24, 2007

 SOCIALISM
 You have 2 cows.
 You give one to your neighbour.

 COMMUNISM
 You have 2 cows.
 The State takes both and gives you some milk. 

FASCISM
 You have 2 cows.
 The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 NAZISM
 You have 2 cows.
 The State takes both and shoots you.

 BUREAUCRATISM 
You have 2 cows.
 The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
 throws
 the milk away…

 TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
 You have two cows.
 You sell one and buy a bull. 
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
 You sell them and retire on the income.

 SURREALISM
 You have two giraffes.
 The government requires you to take harmonica lessons 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
 cows.
 Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped 
dead.

 ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
 You have two cows.
 You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
 letters
 of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute 
a
 debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
  all
 four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk
 rights
 of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman 
     Island
 Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
 rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
 report says
 the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell 
  one
 cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you
 with
 nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public
 then
 buys your bull.

 
A FRENCH CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because
 you
 want three cows.

 A JAPANESE CORPORATION
 You have two cows. 
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
 cow
 and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow
 cartoon
 image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide. 

A GERMAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a
 month,
 and milk themselves.

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. 
You decide to have lunch.

 A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You count them and learn you have five cows.
 You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
 You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. 
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 A SWISS CORPORATION
 You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
 You charge the owners for storing them.

 A CHINESE CORPORATION 
You have two cows.
 You have 300 people milking them.
 You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
 productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real
 situation.

 AN INDIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You worship them.

 A BRITISH CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 Both are mad.

 AN IRAQI CORPORATION
 Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. 
You tell them that you have none.
 No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade
 your
 country.
 You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
 Democracy…. 

A GREEK CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 The one on the left looks very attractive.

 AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 Business seems pretty good. 
You close the office and go for a few beers (VB of
 course) to celebrate

Dane Cook

August 28, 2007

dane-cook.jpgOk so I have recently been introduced to my new favorite comedian. I’m pretty sure he’s been around for a while but somehow I’ve only just “met him”. I was going to post a couple hilarious vids on here from his “Vicious Circle” tour, but the one draw back is he can be a little…ok alot….vulger. So I didn’t want to scare any of my more conservative, shy readers. (oh wait…i dont have any of those) lol But seriously, if you can get by that part, he is so unbelievably funny…my fav’s so far are The Atheist and The Brain Ninja! Check ’em out on YouTube…brilliant!!

(…and he’s hot…what’s not to love…)

Vancouver Blizzard

May 17, 2007

This post is long over due. It actually has nothing to do with our current weather, but I was looking for it a couple months back when we were having that horrible out of character stormy winter weather but wasn’t able to track it down. I stumbled upon it this morning. This is so typical of the pathetic Vancouver community, but oh so funny! Enjoy!

Subject: Vancouver Blizzard

Vancouver (Reuters)

Day 2 – Vancouver Blizzard – Revenge of the Commuters

Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today,
as an additional � centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing
the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of
damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is
some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are
being flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite
near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes
before venturing out.

Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for
emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them
through Vancouver’s most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire
reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.

Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have
been shocked to learn that their SUV’s actually have four wheel drive,
although most have no idea how to use it.

Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast
implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority

reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25
below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
“The government has to do something,” snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. “I
didn’t pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be
treated like someone from Toronto.”

Microsoft Works

May 15, 2007

what’s going on…i NEVER post 2 blogs in one day! sheesh!! 

So I was commenting on a blog this morning about oxymorons and my train of thought made me google them and see what i come up with. Here are the top 20 oxymorons:

20. Government Organization

19. Alone Together

18. Personal Computer

17. Silent Scream

16. Living Dead

15. Same Difference

14. Trapped Live

13. Plastic Glasses

12. Tight Slacks

11. Peace Force

10. Pretty Ugly

9. Head Butt

8. Working Vacation

7. Tax Return

6. Virtual Reality

5. Dodge Ram (love it!)

4. Work Party

3. Jumbo Shrimp

2. Healthy Tan

and last but not least, my personal favorite…

1. Microsoft Works  (no joke!!)

Do you have any to add to my list? Humor me!!

 

I have never been the jokster type and have generally been known to avoid April’s Fool jokes like the plague because A) I have a terrible imagination and B) payback’s a (insert exploitive).  I just plain old hate jokes being played on me. But this year, I had some motivation.  I was in California visiting Damon, yet again, and my parents have continually given me a hard time because every time I’ve gone down there, it’s never been to the same place.  It’s been Santa Rosa, San Francisco, Anaheim, Bakersfield, Phoenix, San Diego…take your pick. I might be anywhere.  So, playing on that, we decided to play a NASTY joke on my mom.  I say “we” because I initially didn’t have the guts to do it.  But Damon somehow urged me enough to go thru with it.  I called my parents just after meeting Sunday morning, mostly just because I hadn’t talked to them in a few days and just wanted to say hi.  However, my mother of course asked the fatal question: “So, where are you?”  She, of course, only meant this as a joke, assuming I was in San Diego, where I said I’d be, but I ran with it.  “I’m…in….Vegas?!” I replied hesitantly.  “VEGAS??” She gasped, “I thought you were supposed to be back in San Diego?!”  “Well,” I continued, “we were, but there was a slight change of plans…”  Enough said.  Silence was the VERY stern reply.  She clearly did NOT know what day it was.  The moral of this story for me was that I will, under no uncertain circumstances, NOT elope.  Ever. 

Good thing we clarified that!! =)